Category: thoughts and musings

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Love you, boobies

I have been practising Manual Lymphatic Drainage since 2003.  This technique, for those who may not know, is widely applied in breast cancer rehabilitation.  following surgery and radiation, many women develop either/and:  swelling in the affected area (lymphoedema), fibrosis, adhesions and excessive scar tissue formation, muscle atrophy and loss of sensation.  The Complete Decongestion Therapy (MLD/CDT) can help with all these areas.
In the course of my years of practice, I have become somewhat of an expert in breast health.  It helped that I nursed a lovely baby for 21 months.  This gave me a real, deep appreciation of the miracle that a woman’s breasts truly are.
But, sadly, most of the discourse I have about breasts is tinged with sadness. Mutilation, dissection, removal, anger, fear, pleading.  It all comes out on the massage couch.  I am both proud and humbled by my work.
Lately, I have once again been contemplating the issue of going braless.  I like the work of Kara Maria Ananda.  I wish I could be as perky as her when it comes to hanging low.  But, I admit that I find it hard.  Although I know that :

1.  Bras – especially underwire – impair lymph drainage.
2. Bras don’t prevent breast droop (ask your grandma – did she wear one?  And where are hers hangin’)
3.  Breast cancer is the most common form of cancer in women (1 in 4..1 in 4…)

I somehow still find it challenging to walk down the street with my ladies a-swinging.  But that is NOT because of me.  It is down the those who observe me doing so, and feel free to comment/whistle/whoop upon it.  Yep, I am a slim blonde living in one of the last European bastions of male chauvinism.  I love ya, Spain, but you guys have got to refine how you show your appreciation of the female form.  Yes?
As usual, I find the observation of my own mental patterns to be the most interesting part.  Why have I sexualised my own breasts, for example?  Why do I judge their shape, form and movement in a negative light?  Why do I even dedicate time to this matter?  Evidently, the dominant culture in which I live has magnified the importance of a simple piece of anatomy, scaling it beyond its natural size. (Kind of like a EEE implant, no?)
Still, the physical sensation of going braless is incomparable.  When you remove that tight band from your chest, you literally breathe better.  When you bound down the stairs and feel your breasts moving with you instead of being restrained within a semicircle of aluminium wire and wondrous stretchy fabric, you feel your breasts come alive.  And yes, you posture improves when you go without your over the shoulder boulder holder.  So many positives..but yet the fear remains.  Will I provoke unwanted reactions?  Will I droop more?  Can I really get away with that top?
All I know is that I am in the process of learning  – or unlearning – many things.  And thus, I carry on experimenting and comparing and trying.  For now, I hang free.
OM.  The Guru is in you.
green green globe

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Why me? Why not?

When cancer strikes – or strikes again – a most frequent question is “why me?”.  Almost universally, we believe that we live our lives well enough to stave off the tumours and lesions and lumps.  Perhaps a death-wish 60-a-day smoker might be secretly pleased when the CAT scans show a mass, but most of us just say “why me?”.
My mother had a book lying around the house called “When Bad Things Happen to Good People.”  I never read it.  But, I understood it to be an analysis of tragedy from a Jewish perspective.  I saw it mostly when she was dying of brain cancer, but I am sure that she bought it after her bitter divorce.  You know, why me?
A client of mine who has been fighting cancer in one form or another for thirteen years gave me a very good answer to this question.  I asked her if she asks why me and she said

“No, I usually say:  why not?”

Indeed.
Being face to face with the precarity of life, I ponder our relationship to the physical body.  When we ask why me?, we are not only asking whether our past actions have brought this suffering to bear upon us.  We are also asking why our life is to be snuffed out.
Did anyone give you a guarantee when you were born?  Did anyone promise you that you would live 80 healthy years then die peacefully in your sleep?  No?  I thought not.
But, there is a pervasive belief in our Christian societies that suffering and death are a punishment, yet another, for our sins.  I am not a Christian scholar, but was raised Christian and was quite insistent in my beliefs for some years.  Like many, I got angry at God.  Cruel and callous, presiding over all this suffering, how could this entity be the bringer of peace and the ultimate judge of humanity?  I stopped believing in the doctrine I had been taught.  I began to search.
My search eventually led me to yoga.  Via yoga, I have been able to re-evaluate the core values I was taught in childhood.  I do believe that the Kingdom of God is Within You.    I believe that yoga gives us the tools to find the Kingdom of God Within Us.  I believe that Patanjali’s Yoga Sutras are like a spiritual how-to, laid out by a spiritual scientist, telling us to try it ourselves and live the results.
There is a strong thread of anarchy running through all this thought.  I have been an anarchist since I first learnt the word.  But, anarchy as a political system has to per forza de prefaced by the Human Revolution, in which each member of the collective (society) prepares mind and body for the honourable social responsibility that anarchy supposes.  We forgo policing and state-based control when we become fully functional and responsible.  Until then, we outsource our moral compass, putting it in the hands of politicians who, by their very nature, are both corrupt and power-hungry.
So, why me?  Well, why not?  The greatest obstacle to joy and peace is ignorance. Ignorance of our true nature.  Patanjali posits that there is an eternal soul within the human being.  The soul, Purusha, uses the physical apparatus of the human body in order to observe the world and continue learning.  Suffering arises when the Ego identifies with the physical body, imagining it to BE the soul.  But the body is not the soul.  It is the vehicle.  We must care for it because a long life allows us more time for learning. But, we must not identify with it.  When we are ignorant of our true nature, we are in a state called avidya.  Avidya leads to suffering, dukha.  Suffering leads to wrong action, trying to alleviate or escape suffering.  This wrong action is called karma.  The Law of Karma is avidya->dukha->karma.  Ignorance leads to suffering leads to wrong action which then reinforces our ignorance.  So repeats the cycle, the much quoted but little understood karma….
Why me?  Why not?  This body is only a temporary home.  It is not your last stop.  You will inhabit many more.  if it is riddled with cancer and pain, don’t ask why me.  Ask, why not.  Perhaps your mission in this incarnation is complete?  Perhaps your suffering is the teacher you need at this time.  Perhaps you will never know why and you must learn to be content in not knowing.
Why me? Why not.
persianflower
 

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RR Protocol #2: Some hayfever care tips

I am plagued by hay fever.  It is the condition that most resists my efforts at ridding myself of inflammation and toxicity.  Here are some of the home remedies I use to keep it at bay.
1.  Cleanse the nose by performing neti with magnesium chloride salts dissolved in filtered water, once or twice per day.
2.  Afterwards, wash your hands, then soften some pure coconut oil on your ring fingers.  Dip one of the coco-fingers in tumeric powder, then rub the two fingers together to make a yellow paste.  Carefully anoint your inner nose with this paste, massaging the septum and rear wall of the nose.  Careful if any drips out!  Wipe clean immediately or you’ll have a yellow ‘stache!  The coconut oil lubricates the irritated tissue, giving it time to heal and protecting it from further attacks by contact with airborne allergens.  The tumeric is powerfully anti-inflammatory and helps the cascade of allergic reactions to subside.
3.  Avoid allergens:  careful what you eat.  If it makes the roof of your mouth tickle, it’s probably contributing to the allergic process.  Eliminate it until you’re feeling better.  Dairy is often the culprit here, but some people react to stone fruits (peach, apricot) or strawberries.
4.  Avoid allergens:  filter the air in your house and keeps windows and doors closed in the peak pollen hours (whenever it’s hottest and driest outside, basically.)  I invested in a wonderful machine called the Hyla.  It is a cleaning beast – it sucks the dust mites right out of your futon! – and with the vacuuming hose detached, it is a powerful air filter.  It claims to remove all airborne particles larger than 5 microns. I definitely appreciate its work.
5.  For swollen eyes, I again turn to Magnesium chloride.  A few drops on a cotton round, along with a few drops of lavender hydrolats (water) soothes puffy, itchy eyes.  I place one on each eye, then a pair of round sunglasses on top, to keep optimum contact with the eyelid and to retain moisture during the treatment.  Lie quietly with your legs up against a wall and relax for 20 minutes.  Very healing.  I use a fab sandalwood powder face mask, mixed with rose water, for really resistant puffiness.  I also keep cold Optrex eyedrops in the fridge, for emergencies.  Optrex uses soothing and astringent witch hazel extract.
Please note that this protocol is an original piece of work.  It works for me, but it might not be for you.  You alone are responsible for your own wellbeing.  Having said that, may your nose be drip-free and your eyes clear and bright!

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A toothcare protocol

I have been refining my toothcare protocol.  This is where I have arrived thus far:
1.  Floss every day.  Experiment with different brands and types of dental floss.  But, be consistent.  There is nothing that irritates me more (well, I might be exaggerating there) than “alternative” toothcare protocols that omit flossing.  It is perhaps even more important than brushing.  Bacteria looooove little tight, dark spaces.
2.  Brush with twice a day ToothSoap.  Go on, google it, read their spiel then come back.  This product works wonders.
3.  Add tumeric to your ToothSoap at least once a day.   This is my latest refinement.  Tumeric is a potent anti-inflammatory.  It helps heal wounds and disinfect.  It removes stains from tooth enamel. When I started using tumeric, my teeth ached right down to the roots.  That might not sound like much of a recommendation.  But I am a true believer in Naturophathy and I just knew that ache meant my teeth and mouth were cleaning themselves to the very core. Since then, there is a palpable and discernible change in the feeling of my gums.  They just feel tighter, smoother and less irritated.
4.  Rinse with a solution of Magnesium Chloride and water.  Take a 200mL glass bottle.  Add 2-3 tsp McgCl2 salts and fill with filtered water. After brushing, swish a little swill round the mouth for 30 seconds before swallowing.
5.  If you notice your mouth is dry – mine dries due to seasonal alleriges provoking mouth-breathing (yuck) – put some coconut oil (pure, food grade) in your mouth and swill around before swallowing.  DIY lubrication, and coconut oil is proven to fight tooth decay.
Happy smiling!

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El método y la meta

Ayer, tuve el placer de dar una clase en una Jornada de Bienestar y Salud, en Dénia.  Habían unos 20 personas.  Entre ellos, algunos novatos, y algunos que ya practican hatha yoga.
Es curioso como los que ya practican yoga piden casi siempre clases y posturas avanzadas.  De un lado, lo puedo entender, este deseo de reproducir las posturas tipo espaghettis que nos venden en las revistas de yoga. En un momento dado, yo también tenía muchas ganas de hacer el Escorpión.  Incluso, me caí de cabeza intentando bajarme las piernas desde sirshasana (el escorpión no se toma desde sirshasana…pero como era bastante neofita y sin profe, bueno…)
Pero luego, encontré el Viniyoga y, estudiando con asiduidad, llegué a entender que las posturas no son el fin de la práctica del yoga.  El fin es tranquilizarnos la mente para encontrar la felicidad.
La posturas forman parte de método del yoga.  La paz mental es la meta. Importante no confundir el método por la meta.
En Yoga Sutras Libro II, el sábio Patanjali describe el camino del yoga.  Consiste en ocho partes, ó miembros.  Las primeras cinco – yama, niyama, âsana, pranayâma y pratyahara – son el método.  Es la receta para preparar la mente para la medtación.  El sabio cierre el segundo libro con pratyahara, el retiro de los sentidos.  Parafraseando, Patanjali dice:

Bueno, alumnos, ahora que, a través de nuestros buen comportamientos hacia los demás y hacía nosotros mismos (yama, niyama), a través de la práctica contínua y al largo plazo de las posturas y respiraciones (âsana, pranayama), habeis llegado al momento para sentaros, retirar vuestra atención del entorno (pratyahara) y contemplar.

Patanjali continua en Yoga Sutras Libro III describiendo el camino del yogi. Ahora, abordamos la contemplación meditativa.  Dharana, dhyana, samadhi….concentración, meditación, liberación.  Estos tres son la meta del yoga,  Tambíen forman parte del camino, pero son realmente los frutos de la práctica.  Repito:  importante no confundir le método por la meta.

¿Y, de estos que te demandan las posturas avanzadas? Bueno, en el contexto de una clase general y grupal, no las vamos a abordar.  Y punto.  Iguál en una clase avanzada ó MasterClass se podría trabajar equilibrios avanzados.  Con la preparación y actitud adecuadas son perfectamente asequibles.
Pero,¿como una profe puede satisfacer a la necesidad de esa gente de profundizar en su práctica?  Porque, en su esencia, cuando te piden posturas avanzadas, lo que realmente te estan pidiendo es profundizar en su práctica.  “He llegado a tal punto, me encuentro bien, por donde voy ahora?”  Puede ser impaciencia (ojo!).  Pero, puede ser la sed de él que busque pidiendo limosna.  “Por favor, enseñame el camino que me lleva desde la miseria hacía la paz”, te imploran.
El Viniyoga dispone de muchas herramientas para esa gente. Nosotros los viniyoguis abordamos la respiración con una lucidez y coherencia que no se encuentra en otros lineajes (admito que no conzco de primera mano el método Iyengar.  Lo aprecio como un método muy sano y coherente.  Igual allí también dan a la respiración la importancia que merezca…).  Las técnicas respiratorias son nuestras semillas.  Vamos plantando semillas en las cabezas de estos yoguis sedientos.  De que colores serán sus flores?
Como profes de Viniyoga, sabemos muy bien poner pautas respiratorias a posturas sencillas, dandolas el enfoque mental completo y absorbiente tán característico de una buena práctica de hatha yoga.  Pausas (krama), retenciones (kumbhaka), y ritmos.  Bandhas (cierres musculares), mudras (apretones), dristi (la mirada) y bhavana (enfoques mentales).  Todas estas cosas aportan una dmiensión energética a la práctica, saciando a la más hambriente mente.  Cuando las inquietudes mentales se suavizan, entonces, el alumno está prácticando yoga de verdad.  Hemos relizado la meta, empleando las herramientas del método.
Sencillo, ¿no?
The guru is in you.  Let us yog.

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Me centésimo post…my one hundredth post

On the occasion of my one hundredth post, I shall permit myself a moment of reflection and publish what perhaps is my manifesto.  En la ocasión de mi centésimo post, me permito un momento de reflexión, publicando lo que podría ser mi manifiesto.
I bought the domain alteayoga.com five years ago.  I was still in my teacher training and dreaming of wowing the world with my yoga teaching.  I started the blog a year later, with a post for an introductory yoga course.  No one signed up for the course. That was when the harsh reality of yoga teaching first blew me a bitter kiss bonjour. Since 2010, I have been offering yoga classes.  It is now 2013.  I have 8 regular students.  I love them all.  I have had people contact me through my website and by blog, but the commercial side of yoga teaching and an online presence seems to elude me yet.
But you know what?  I don’t mind one bit.  Because, in the intervening years, I have carried on my personal work and grown on so many levels.  I have let go of a lot of stuff, too, so perhaps I have shrunk a little too.  I internalized my belief that every student finds the yoga teacher they are meant to have.  I realized that my teaching yoga is a vocation, not a job.  It is what I am meant to do, and my students are the people who are meant to receive the message of yoga via me.  That’s all.  Simple eh?
I keep blogging because I love writing.  I have always loved writing.  Through all my moves, turmoils and travels, I diarised, rhymed and wrote.  I have years of journals packed lovingly away.  I still use pen and paper.  A more sanitised and coherent version appears here and in my songs.  It’s been three years and I have less than 30 followers.  And you know what?  I don’t mind one bit.  Wordsmithing was my dad’s job.  It’s my passion.   I write this blog because I enjoy writing it, not because I have an audience. 
So, indulging myself some more, I shall now make a list of a few things I believe, and publish it, knowing that the world isn’t interested in the slightest!
1.  Living well is the best revenge.  I haven’t even bothered googling it’s origin.  In these times of savings-grabs and banks going bankrupt and houses sitting empty while families are turfed onto the streets, I realised that living well is, indeed, the best revenge.  When wages go down and hours go up and everyone is on the dole, the thing The Man can never take away is your smile.  No matter what shit they throw your way, shout back “show me the hoops!”  And as long as you are not starving and sun-struck on a lost Saharan dune, vultures casting the only shadow for miles around, as long as all is not lost, LIVE WELL!  There is always something good going on.  Money doesn’t stop you having fun…worry and fear do.  The Spanish may be bad businessmen, but they sure know a lot about what I have just written.  Viva la fiesta, que es la vida!
2.  Hemp is God’s gift to humanity.  I eat hemp seeds, hemp protein and hemp oil every day.  My daughter eats hemp seeds every day.  Hemp grows fast and high and can be used for so many things.  The use of marijuana is safer than the use of alcohol.  I would rather meet a stoner than a drunk in a dark alleyway.  I think that some of our current anxious depression could be eased by using more weed and less tobacco.
3.  I believe in the family.  I am lucky to be with an Italian, whose attitude to family is totally different to what mine was.  Mine was all about fracture and trying to get away.  Theirs is about love.  It’s simple. My Italian family takes love as the preface to everything else.  Even when you fail, you are loved.  I was definitely raised with the feeling that love had to be earned, and could be taken away without warning.  Although I have strained and struggled to live in the confines of a mono(tonous)gamous relationship, through it, I have found a reserve of love far deeper and stronger than what I had known before.  This font of love gives me strength.   Family ties give us strength.  Let’s not get carried away here:  some families are toxic, and some relatives have to remain at arm’s length.  But when there is sanity and fairness, families give us the roots we need in order to fly.
4.  Always seek the middle way and trust in the path you are on. Don’t be tempted by mountains to scale.  Don’t be frightened by valleys so deep.  Just be patient, go as fast or as slow as seems right at the time.  Don’t be afraid to change gear, reverse, or even choose a different path from the one you’ve trodden all this time.  Approach life with a curious. grinning enthusiasm.  Leave room for uncertainty and error.  You never know what the Universe has in store for you.  That seemingly annoying deviation or delay might just lead you to the Nirvana you’d never have found on your own.  Everything that is in your Path is there to teach you.  So learn.
5.  Take magnesium.  Chloride.  Salts.  Every day.
6.  I only have my own two hands.  I yearn to change the world for the better, but spent years frustrated by my seeming inability to change anything about this mess we are in (or not, depending on your perspective.  I actually believe we are in transition, not heading for disaster.  But I think that I am in the minority…)  Then I realised that what little I am able to do counts. I offer everything up to Ishvara, the universal consciousness. Every massage, every yoga class, every meal.  I only have my own two hands.  May my tiny effort tip the balance of happiness in this world.  Ishvarapranidanah.
7.  Creativity is key to good health.  I play music.  My guy does ceramic.  My kid loves to draw.  I bet you have your special little thing that you like to do – patchwork, card making, crochet, dj’ing, gardening, photography…Whatever it is that floats your boat is what you need to dedicate a bit of time to every week, if not every day.  Creation heals.  So, get your hands and heart engaged- now! – and marvel at what lil’ old you can do!
8. Adopt an attitude of gratitude.  Stop judging and start loving.
9.  The European Union is a peace project.  I moved to Europe from Canada to be part of this grand effort.  I believe in in wholeheartedly.  It has been derailed of late by banking woes and austerity programs, but at its core, it is a project designed to prevent the outbreak of war.  It is unfashionable to voice pride in European culture and values.  Well, I believe in our culture. I would much rather be a woman, raising a daughter, in Europe than practically anywhere else.  The EU may be flawed in its execution, but the core is sound and I am glad to be a part of it.
10.  We are antennae, not ants.  It is easy to get caught up in the mundane rushrushrush of life.  It is easy to think that we are only drones, with no purpose other than pleasure, pain and procreation.  But this is not so.  We humans are upright because we are the planet’s antennae.  Alone, we are specks of cosmic danruff.  United, we broadcast the cosmic wave.  When enough of us sit down to meditate, we shall connect with the Universal Consciousness and nothing will again be as it was.
La traducción español en breve…
1.  Vivir bien es la mejor venganza.  No siquiera conozco el origen del refrán, pero no dudo que sea verdadero.  En estos tiempos de incertidumbre que estan trascurriendo, nuestro único recurso es nuestra sonrisa interior.  El Hombre no to puede quitar eso.  Cuando te mandan mierda, grita fuerte “por cuanto alto salto?” Mientras que no está todo perdido y los buitres no se estan acercando, VIVE BIEN!  Siempre hay algo de bueno.  Falta de dinero no te quita la alegría…el miedo y la preocupación, si.  Los españoles me han enseñado eso – viva la fiesta!
2.  El cañamo es un regalo divino para la humanidad.  Como diariamente semillas, proteina y aceite de cañamo.   Mi hija come semillas de cañamo a diario.  El cañamo crece fuerte y rápido y se usa para un montón de cosas.  Creo que la marijuana es más sana que el alcohol.  Prefiero cruzarme en una calle oscura con un fumador que con un borracho.  Creo que nuestra ansiedad y depresión colectiva podría mejorarse emplando más verde y menos tobacco.
3.  Creo en la familia.  Los vínculos familiares, siempre mientras sean sanos y equitable, nos dan las raices que necesitamos para volar.  Doy gracias a mi familia italiana por enseñarme que el amor antes todo es lo que más vale.  
4.  Busca el camino del medio y confia en tu camino actual.  No tengas miedo de cambiar la dirección, poner marcha atrás y a veces incluso frenar.  Deja espacio para cometer errores.  A veces las equivocaciones nos lleva al Nirvana que ni siquiera esperabamos.  Ten fé, respira honda.
5.  Toma magnesio.  Cloruro de magnesio.  Sales.  Todos los días.
6.  Solo dispongo de mis dos manos.  Aunque mis esfuerzos sean pequeños, los hago con humildad y entrega.  Ofrezco todo a la conciencia universal – Ishvara. Ishvarapranidanah.
7.  La creatividad es clave para la plena salud. Haga lo que hagas – música, dibujo, dj, jardinería, – hazlo sabiendo que tu arte es tu sanación. 
8.  La actitud de gratitud.  Deja de juzgar y comienza a amar. 
9.  La Unión Europea es un proyecto de la paz.  No hay otro proyecto de tal escala con pretensión de prevenir la guerra.  Estoy orgullosa del proyecto europeo y orgullosa de ser parte de el. 
10.  Somos antennae, no hormigas.  No te quedas atrapado en el día a día.  Los seres humanos somos las antennae del planeta Tierra.  Solos, no somos más que caspa cósmica.  Unidos, emitiremos una frequencia cósmica que nos unirá a la Conciencia Universal y, entonces, nada será como lo era antes. 
AUM.  The Guru is in you.

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My personal yog: To thine own Self be true

My personal practice has been suffering of late.  Time, but also boredom, has kept me off the mat.  Granted, I have been practising a lot of yoga of daily life, being aware, present, joyful, honest and patient.  Well, most of the time.
Then I read this article, about how to be an inspiring yoga teacher, in which the author says:

When you give yourself permission to abandon the rules, to listen and truly explore and celebrate your body through the shapes and then share what you discover with your students, the movement becomes medicine. My partner and Laughing Lotus co-founder, Jasmine Tarkeshi, always says that to be a good teacher you’ve got to be a soul scientist. You truly must go into a laboratory and investigate your sacred self through your body, every single day.

Heck yeah!  I need to remember that sometimes.
The system I know and teach is called Viniyoga.  The central tenet of this system is “the yoga adapts to the person, not the person to the yoga”.  It is a system that can be considered the peak of Krishnamacharya’s life’s work and investigation.  I believe wholeheartedly in that core message and have iron faith in my teacher, Carmen, and my lineage (Krishnamacharya -> TKV Desikachar -> Claude Maréchal -> Christina S. de Ynestrillas -> Carmen Sánchez Segura).  And yet, and yet…lately something hadn’t been quite right.
I embarked on the second phase of my teacher training, the “Post-Formation” last autumn.  The format was different than the first part (once every two months, a residential weekend away) but the content built solidly on the earlier teachings.  Perhaps a bit too solidly…more sutras?  more posture analysis? etc…Boredom has always been my bugbear, so I knew I need not heed that little voice inside saying “something new…something new…go and find something new…”
What was putting me off?  Boredom, yes.  But more than anything,  a distinct lack of joy was bringing the whole tone down.  I felt the need to knuckle down for the seminars rather than blossom out.  In the meantime, I had enjoyed the wonders of Stretch Therapy and the deep relaxation of Yin Yoga.
I began to doubt…was Viniyoga too limited?  Are the postural compensations too often, too indulgent, not challenging enough?  Why is it that those who practice Viniyoga seem to do so for a very long time without ever developing the stunning and deep flexibility that other lineages develop?  Why do my teachers, who evidently know a lot about yoga and have practised for years not seem to smile, not seem joyful (with the exception of Claude) ?  The questions rolled round my head and I found no answers.
The second, then the third seminars dragged on.  One of the group dropped out.  Doubt, head-scratching, the decision to stay.
Then, I read this article and realised something both simple and profound. Having completed the teacher training, having practised solidly since 1999, I had earned the right to innovate, create, both in my personal practice and in my classes.  Of course, I had always done this, I know that I am creative when it comes to sequencing, bhavanas, important details.  But, still, I limited myself.
I think I will grant myself a little more leeway from now on, find out how Viniyoga adapts to Rachel, not Rachel to Viniyoga. 
I still believe that the training I am pursuing is the highest quality teaching I can receive here and now.  It is I who needs to transform.  OM.  May you find your own path, too.  The Guru is in you.